Current Mood: Confused

I have so many thoughts coursing thru my head right at this very moment. All in all it has been a peaceful Easter weekend. On Friday night, my brother and sister-in-law came over and before we headed off for supper and drinks, got talking on a very grim topic. Death.

Who knows how the topic came up, it just did and on Good Friday for fucks sake! I have always had an ingrain fear of death, i think its more a fear of the unknown. Coz let’s face it, there is no hard evidence of what the Afterlife is going to be like.

It was mentioned that “what if” there was no Afterlife after all, that when you die, that is the end of it all. The end of your existence. No pearly gates, no relatives to greet you, just plain nothingness. This thought deeply disturbed me, coz then I thought ‘Well then what’s the fucking point!’

It was also argued and said that there are too many different religions in this world and billions of people to think that an after life really does exist. I have always, since a child believed that there is a God and so on, but as the years have passed, my beliefs have somewhat changed slightly. I still believe that there is some Huge and Powerful Entity more Greater than Anything and that we are not judged by this Huge and Powerful Entity, as this ‘God’ gave us the power of choice to do what it is we want with our lives.

We have the power to make the decision of either choosing to be good or bad, we all do possess good and bad personas, and that is what I believe is the Yin and Yang. However, when you die, you are the one that ultimately chooses again, where you want your soul to go. If you have done wrong in your life and made bad choices or decisions that have affected others greatly, have no remorse, then it is ur choice to go the dark route.
If however, you have lived a good life, made bad choices/decisions and so forth, but are truly sorry for what you have done and can forgive yourself, then you choose to free yourself from self condemnation and go the way of truth and light.
That is my theory anyway and I’m not saying its Scripture, but it’s what I have chosen to believe for now.
But being the impressionable person that I am, I started to feel fearful and anxious of when the nothingness of it all came up. My hands started getting all clammy, i felt as tho’ I was spiralling down into a world of confusion. A panic attack was ensuing, I could just imagine myself running nowhere, trying to run from this awful unimaginable fear. I had visions of myself in a straight-jacket, finally gone mad from the over analyzing and so forth.

All this turmoil was happening inside my head, altho’ I probably looked composed and very calm, I was not! Finally I had to force myself to think rationally, stay focused. I eventually told myself, since nothing is said in concrete about there not being an existence of when we die, then why worry about it now. Live and enjoy the now without worrying about the inevitable. As which ever way you look at it, if there is no moving on to another plane, you wouldnt know anyway, its just that no-one likes to think of that while they still alive, as it is rather disturbing.
Then I remember once reading something about the Buddhists and their beliefs on death. It was said that there should never be grasp of when a person is on their last. Dont grasp onto loved ones, dont have regret etc, coz then the death will be a slow and long process, not pleasant. And then another thought popped into that crazy head of mine, maybe they tell us that because when you are faced with your own death, you fight (human instinct) to stay alive, because of the possibility of your non existence and that’s just makes the process ever so more frightening.

At the end of the day, there are so many different theories, so many different beliefs and religions, that it is truly difficult to choose one from the rest. So, I guess I can only tell myself to live life in the here and now and savour it and ultimately wait for when that day arises. Only then, will we truly have all the answers.

Peace Out