An Incontrovertible Fear
May 22nd, 2006 by tashAverage time to read 1 min. 52 secs.
I love my man very much, to the point where I sometimes feel that it may be a co-dependant love. I met him at the young age of 19 and he 20, our love was real, strong, pure and intense.
We have, as many normal relationships, been through the rollercoaster dips and escalations, highs and lows. Fifteen years of being committed to one person, sharing dreams, hopes, fears, tears, laughter, joy, disappointment, disallusionment, anger, hate, lust. All the emotions ever imagined that can immortalise our life so far.
But one thing I have not shared yet is a fear I have had for quite some time. I tend to over analyse things at times, to the detriment of my own sanity. I think I know where this fear has stemmed from, but coming to terms with it and eradicating it, is an entirely different story.
It may seem strange to those of you reading this, but I have a fear of one day waking up and just ‘out of the blue’ realising that I do not love my partner anymore. Am I normal, is this normal? I have tried to fathom where this fear stems from and from what I can remember it is a time in my life when my mom left my dad after twelve years of marriage. I asked my mom why she did not want to make it work and with that she explained to me that she just did not love my dad anymore, not out of anything he did, but that she just outgrew him. I at that age of my life could not understand how a person just falls out of love so easily and this is where the fear must’ve buried deep from within.
Just thinking about it makes my heart pound and an overwhelmingly suffocating feeling surmounts. But now, Get this! In addition to my over analytical mind conjuring all of this up, I now start thinking what if I one day come to that point of my life where I or we both feel we are growing apart and it is either make it work or divorce. What if the Fear stops me from making the right choice. It immobilises me to remain stuck in an unhappy situation. Would that not be worse than the fear itself? How can something so simple, seem so complicated?
I am in no way saying that I am unhappy or feel that I am growing apart, but there are times, just like all relationships, where you feel you are not gelling so well with your partner and those times is when the negativity and insecurity of it all sets in. How do I learn to cope and just go with the flow and live in the present moment. How do I banish thee incontrovertible fear?
;?%3E/images/wp-button.gif)
;?%3E/images/getfirefox.png "Get Firefox!")
May 24th, 2006 at 4:06 pm
tash, my grandmother told me once that there will days in your marriage when you love each other completely, days when you are pissed off with each other, days when he won’t even talk to you etc etc. I don’t think you can wake up one day & decide you want out or that the love is gone. It has to be a gradual realisation & acceptance over many months/ years that there is just not a tight enough bond to keep it going. You just need to be aware of that realisation, or that the realisation one day relates to you having an “off day”/moment in your life.
On the other side of my family, my grandfather decided to die as his wife has just died & he did not want to live without his life partner of 60 years. That is what I want & I believe will fight my damnest for - to have a life partner of 60 years. And I know full well that that is not gonna be a simple fight.
Ignore the fear, and try to stick in the reality of it all.
May 24th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
Champagne Heathen thanks so much for those wise words of wisdom. It truly makes sense in the word of it being a gradual realisation and not an instant shock landing me in the nuthouse. Hubby read my article and said I need to get a hobby ;-)Does drinking and dancing on bar counters count?
May 24th, 2006 at 4:44 pm
Less of a hobby as a natural way of living. Just keep the hubby doing the same, or at least have him keeping you well stocked up on tequilas while you dance.
And if you have a job like mine, blogging is the only way to stay sane….as IT is slow enough here that they have yet to block these sights.
May 24th, 2006 at 4:51 pm
CH the hubby normally has the camcorder ready while I’m all tequila’d out! says it is an entertaining sight for all to behold. I tell you, thank goodness for blogging, it has certainly kept me sane.