Cool Facts About Vodka

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive. (also causes injuries, like cuts and scrapes to knees)

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew (not to mention causes body to lean over bath and vomet, when not reaching toilet bowl in time)

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills the germs. (also causes person to forget to take contact lenses out when retiring to bed, only to wake next morning with contact lense stuck to eyeball!)

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. (causes those little cuts and knicks from not being able to shave properly due to the shakes the morning after)

5.Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry. (now this I can relate to)

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. (that is if have not already been done by accidently getting drink all over face)

7. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes. (Now why didnt I think of that, for the ache in my knee)

8. To cure foot odour, wash your feet in vodka ( and smell like an alchy instead)

And Finally:

NEVER DRINK THE STUFF IT’LL KILL YOU!!

Apologies dear readers, I have seemed to neglect my blog for quite some time now.  I have been so preoccupied with so many things in my life at the moment that I have not really had the inspiration to write anything new until now.

 I once again failed my Drivers and have been battling to arrange for another test date, since the freakin’ call centre has so many technical problems and other people of sunny South Africa ailments going on.  I honestly feel as it is my last and only resort to go down the illegal way of getting it.

Currently I feel so stuck in my life and they normally say you can personify a person’s life by the vehicle which carries them through.  Well I don’t drive at all and I am beginning to wonder if that is why I feel so stagnated in all areas of my life.  That chariot is no-where to be seen.

Apart from the dormancy of my existence, my vodka binge drinking over the long weekend was the only thing that seemed to be flowing and keeping me happy for the time being.  Had another one of our famous house partys on Friday 16th Youth Day.  It was a blast, the usual crew with all the brew.  Had a mother of a hangover the next day, was Absolute Vodkly paralysed, but nevertheless still managed to crawl out of bed to attend yet another friend’s braai that evening.  Yet again, it ended debaucherously with me waking up with one hell of a bruise and scraped left knee.  I had apparently while leaving the party, tripped over the cobblestones and fell flat on my face!  My other half said I did not even notice a thing, my jeans were fashionably torn, along with fragments of my memory.

Back to the grind and the whole cycle begins again.  The wheel is turning, but the hamster is fucked.  Anywho back to the zoo.

I have been summoned to do a presentation for Coke.  Hmmm I wonder what size mirrors will be used, long or short straws.  Okay, on a more serious schnarf, erm I mean note; I have less than a week to prepare and to date this is my first.  I am a wee bit on the edgy side of things.

 I am all for public speaking do not get me wrong; especially after a few rounds of tequilas and straight vodka shots.  Friends call me the ’social-butterfly of the group, but to stand up in front of a bunch of Corporates and talk about something I have fairly a clue about is a different pickle of fish altogether.

Why my boss has selected me for this gruelling task eludes me completely.  Perhaps I should start off the Presentation with vodka scones, warm things up a bit and get everyone slightly trashed so they will not know the difference between ‘Hogwash and Hogwash.’

I feel as motivated as Bovril on a piece of dry Wheatbix and believe me I have tried this on a 10 day diet plan I once was on.  Gross.

 Moving along.. I have a far off and distant memory of once being involved in a Public Speaking Contest for my High School and even though I had a brilliant speech prepared, was normally one of the best at giving speeches in my school, I was still as nervous as a sweaty Groom on his Wedding Day. My heart pounded like a thousand drums beating around a Carnivore Ceremonial Supper. Where do I come up with this shite?

Anywho, the point I am attempting to make is how on earth am I going to survive the mental preparation of trying to explain how to work a certain programme, I am not good at teaching, demonstrating things.

What I can easily demonstrate is how to down a shot of tequila with a squeeze of lemon and a lick of salt off the hand.

HELP!

‘Twas the hubby’s birthday on the Friday, so I had decided to surprise him by buying two tickets to see the best Funky, Hip Hop Band in the world ‘Black Eyed Peas’.  Saturday arrived and we headed off to Sin City, just the two of us.

 A good hour and a half later we were standing by the doors amongst a few teenie boppers.  There were all sorts of people, all shapes and sizes.  Once we got inside the superbowl, you could feel the excitement stirring and brimming with people.  I had got us standing tickets, so we could completely be engrossed in the vibe and music.

I was styling, dressed in jeans, a white fake fur jacket and my white ‘fuck-me’ boots.  Now a concert is not a concert without a few condoms floating above your head.  I was slowly starting to lose my sense of humour after standing for over an hour, “why oh why did I wear these boots!”

Then it happened!  The show began, out came the Black Eyed Peas captivating, enthralling and holding us all spellbound.  Fergie has the most powerful voice and there was so much energy, great musicians.  Brilliant.

 We sang, screamed, cheered until I had no vocal chords left, gone, vanished without a trace.  I had lost all feelings in my legs, not that I had noticed.

 It was a fantastic show which we both thoroughly enjoyed and I did not have to drink myself into a coma.