I love my man very much, to the point where I sometimes feel that it may be a co-dependant love. I met him at the young age of 19 and he 20, our love was real, strong, pure and intense.

We have, as many normal relationships, been through the rollercoaster dips and escalations, highs and lows. Fifteen years of being committed to one person, sharing dreams, hopes, fears, tears, laughter, joy, disappointment, disallusionment, anger, hate, lust. All the emotions ever imagined that can immortalise our life so far.

But one thing I have not shared yet is a fear I have had for quite some time. I tend to over analyse things at times, to the detriment of my own sanity. I think I know where this fear has stemmed from, but coming to terms with it and eradicating it, is an entirely different story.

It may seem strange to those of you reading this, but I have a fear of one day waking up and just ‘out of the blue’ realising that I do not love my partner anymore. Am I normal, is this normal? I have tried to fathom where this fear stems from and from what I can remember it is a time in my life when my mom left my dad after twelve years of marriage. I asked my mom why she did not want to make it work and with that she explained to me that she just did not love my dad anymore, not out of anything he did, but that she just outgrew him. I at that age of my life could not understand how a person just falls out of love so easily and this is where the fear must’ve buried deep from within.

Just thinking about it makes my heart pound and an overwhelmingly suffocating feeling surmounts. But now, Get this! In addition to my over analytical mind conjuring all of this up, I now start thinking what if I one day come to that point of my life where I or we both feel we are growing apart and it is either make it work or divorce. What if the Fear stops me from making the right choice. It immobilises me to remain stuck in an unhappy situation. Would that not be worse than the fear itself? How can something so simple, seem so complicated?

I am in no way saying that I am unhappy or feel that I am growing apart, but there are times, just like all relationships, where you feel you are not gelling so well with your partner and those times is when the negativity and insecurity of it all sets in. How do I learn to cope and just go with the flow and live in the present moment. How do I banish thee incontrovertible fear?

It’s only a dream! Whew! wipes sweat from brow.  Had the most awful nightmare this morning, dreamt I was 36 years old.  Not that much ahead from where I’m now, but it still caught me by surprise.  All I could think of in my dream, was how near to 40 I was and that I was speedily approaching Society’s Sell By Date.

It’s not that I look old for my age, in fact I look like I’m in my late 20’s and luckily have good genes to thank for that.  The days are whizzing past, years are feeling much shorter and I don’t know if this has anything to do with Global Warming or any weird new scientific explanations.  All I do know, is that my Birthday feels as though it’s celebrated way too often.  My friends know well I always make the joke of “It’s my Birthday Everyday!”  Reason being of the wild party animal I am, but now that saying is starting to ring some truth to it.

Back to my dream, anyway my dad was with me and pointing out this new woman he was interested in.  He was saying that she had gotten fat and was saying that not only is her face old now, but now she doesn’t even have a nice looking body to show for.  To this I replied and said that he mustn’t be so shallow, because at the end of the day Beauty is only skin deep.  Whatever!!  Were those really my words, u can tell I was only dreaming.

The harsh reality is that looks do count.  Physical attraction is very important, we humans are built that way unfortunately.  We live in a self conscious society, shallow as it may seem.   This is what was so disturbing to me in my dream, because we are all going to reach at some point in our lives that fateful day where you realise you are not turning heads anymore.  You become this invisible person that noone really truly listens to, unless you have the wit, humour and intellect of a Woody Allen.

I don’t want the inevitable to come about, so I came to the near conclusion that I will be approaching my life with a healthy eating plan, gym everyday and a positive frame of mind.

 P.S. Guess what song’s playing on Highveld right now?  Forever Young by Rod Stewart.  How Weird.

Pericone Diet Programme Here I AM.

Wes Craven has a deranged, unhinged imagination indeed.  Being the horror movie lover that I am, I decided to go watch his new movie “The Hills Have Eyes.”  Well near to the end of the movie, I almost had no eyes from squishing them shut most of the time.  Am I becoming soft and precarious I ask myself.

If Wes could fit every unimaginable abhorrence in this movie, he did it in an effective and prudent manner.  I just don’t know if all that impressionable horror stuff is actually good to take in.  I find that movies of today are becoming more blood-soaked and lurid than ever before.  Texas Chainsaw Massacre has nothing on this movie and that’s saying something.  I actually felt deeply disturbed after leaving the movie theatre on Saturday, kept on having these ominous flashbacks.  So, why do I continue watching these sordid movies and torturing that mind of mine.  I need therapy.  Sound of Music, The Hills Are Alive, here I come.

Yes Mense that day is arriving for me pretty soon, I will be doing my “Yet Again” Drivers Licence Test sometime soon.  The testing station in Pretoria contacted me today to inform me of the good news.  Finally my appeal for a re-test has been accepted.  But why am I not that ecstatic from the mere victory of passing the appeal at least?

 I guess it’s because I don’t know if I’m ready for all that torment again, those gut wrenching nerves that almost leaves me breathless and beaten.  I don’t handle nervous situations very well, eventhough I come prepared it still doesnt help.  I drug myself up with Herbex Nerve Tonic to the point where I am totally brain dead.  Maybe that’s where the problem lies, I need to be alert I guess not in La La Land.

 Please all Pray for me, pray that I may be calm enough not to Fuck up and knock any poles in the yard, that I may fucking get out of the yard for once! And that I don’t knock any wandering pedestrians down. PRAY PRAY PRAY.

 Oh YES! and PRAY that my testing officer accepts bribes KIDDING hee hee

Just not feeling the vibe this morning, feel lethargic, aches and pains, NAUSEA!  I feel osiose: ineffective and futile, indolent, idle of fucking absolutely no use!

NAFI: No ambition, Fuck all Interest.  I ponder on how great it must be to be a bear, to hibernate the whole of winter.  Can’t we humans do that too! PLEASSE!  I am now starting to curse the cold Winter a way!  I feel as though I am in dire need of hibernation -  of all my thoughts, feelings, emotions, that is if I had any right now.

 How productive could I be at this point in time, they should just send me home.  I need sleep, dreamland, warmth, comfort.  The see-saw of my existence, the pendulum swing of my emotions. 

 Hope this feeling of unfeeling subsides.

I was going through a whole lot of photos the other day of our wild, wicked and crazy parties with ”the Crew” (our friends). Wow, were those the Good ol’ Days. I could really brag to say that I always used to think how fortunate my husband and I are to have such a close knit group of friends, who you would more than likely consider your family.

But just like the seasons change, so do people. I guess it’s all part of growing and leaving some parts of ourselves behind, that are of no use to us anymore. Just like a snake sheds its skin, so do people lose parts of their personalities, hopefully their bad traits. Some just make a change for the worse.

Athough change is good and a part of life, I don’t normally leave the welcome mat out for the new adjustments. Being the creature of habit that I am, I found it difficult to let go. Not to let go of the memories, memories are wonderful, but letting go of old ways of thinking, old perspectives.

With certain people there will always be that special bond for life, whether you see eachother or not. With others, the change is so drastic, that some people simply move out of your life altogether.

I love my friends, but sometimes feel as though I don’t relate to them as much as what I used to. I am not the type of person to be stuck in a time warp for the rest of my life. I want the fun, craziness and not a care in the world to last, but not to the detriment of not being true to myself.

How does a person bring back the spark and make those indelible days last forever. I’d love to know.

Current Mood: Confused

I have so many thoughts coursing thru my head right at this very moment. All in all it has been a peaceful Easter weekend. On Friday night, my brother and sister-in-law came over and before we headed off for supper and drinks, got talking on a very grim topic. Death.

Who knows how the topic came up, it just did and on Good Friday for fucks sake! I have always had an ingrain fear of death, i think its more a fear of the unknown. Coz let’s face it, there is no hard evidence of what the Afterlife is going to be like.

It was mentioned that “what if” there was no Afterlife after all, that when you die, that is the end of it all. The end of your existence. No pearly gates, no relatives to greet you, just plain nothingness. This thought deeply disturbed me, coz then I thought ‘Well then what’s the fucking point!’

It was also argued and said that there are too many different religions in this world and billions of people to think that an after life really does exist. I have always, since a child believed that there is a God and so on, but as the years have passed, my beliefs have somewhat changed slightly. I still believe that there is some Huge and Powerful Entity more Greater than Anything and that we are not judged by this Huge and Powerful Entity, as this ‘God’ gave us the power of choice to do what it is we want with our lives.

We have the power to make the decision of either choosing to be good or bad, we all do possess good and bad personas, and that is what I believe is the Yin and Yang. However, when you die, you are the one that ultimately chooses again, where you want your soul to go. If you have done wrong in your life and made bad choices or decisions that have affected others greatly, have no remorse, then it is ur choice to go the dark route.
If however, you have lived a good life, made bad choices/decisions and so forth, but are truly sorry for what you have done and can forgive yourself, then you choose to free yourself from self condemnation and go the way of truth and light.
That is my theory anyway and I’m not saying its Scripture, but it’s what I have chosen to believe for now.
But being the impressionable person that I am, I started to feel fearful and anxious of when the nothingness of it all came up. My hands started getting all clammy, i felt as tho’ I was spiralling down into a world of confusion. A panic attack was ensuing, I could just imagine myself running nowhere, trying to run from this awful unimaginable fear. I had visions of myself in a straight-jacket, finally gone mad from the over analyzing and so forth.

All this turmoil was happening inside my head, altho’ I probably looked composed and very calm, I was not! Finally I had to force myself to think rationally, stay focused. I eventually told myself, since nothing is said in concrete about there not being an existence of when we die, then why worry about it now. Live and enjoy the now without worrying about the inevitable. As which ever way you look at it, if there is no moving on to another plane, you wouldnt know anyway, its just that no-one likes to think of that while they still alive, as it is rather disturbing.
Then I remember once reading something about the Buddhists and their beliefs on death. It was said that there should never be grasp of when a person is on their last. Dont grasp onto loved ones, dont have regret etc, coz then the death will be a slow and long process, not pleasant. And then another thought popped into that crazy head of mine, maybe they tell us that because when you are faced with your own death, you fight (human instinct) to stay alive, because of the possibility of your non existence and that’s just makes the process ever so more frightening.

At the end of the day, there are so many different theories, so many different beliefs and religions, that it is truly difficult to choose one from the rest. So, I guess I can only tell myself to live life in the here and now and savour it and ultimately wait for when that day arises. Only then, will we truly have all the answers.

Peace Out

I am writing to you today in all my fervor, to say the least, that I am disappointed in not receiving any of your anticipated comments.

This is causing me much apathy and discouragement, as I feel that perhaps my writing is just not good enough or that maybe my life not that intriguing.

I could write about my drunken escapades, the indelible moments of my wild party days, the ups and downs of married life, but does that not all sound too cliche.

I started this Blog to talk mostly of life and the mysteries and to talk more on a spiritual level, but then i thought maybe it’s all a bit too serious. Then I tried putting a bit of humour into it, that didn’t work either. I also attempted to talk on more serious issues, world affairs to no avail.

This is all starting to get up my nose and tickle my nostril hairs. I have even pondered that perhaps most of my visitors are from around the globe and have no clue on how to write or read English. So …. to all you foreigners out there F.I.F.O (fit in or fuck off)….just kidding just desperately looking to get a response.

To Blog or Not to Blog…… That is my Question.

I’m freezing my tits off again, i need to be thawed out.  My place of work altho interesting at times, definitely does not have the comfort factor.  We have a small office at the back of my boss’s house, which has a server there as well.  My boss insists on the aircon being so high that i literally have to wear gloves, ear muffs and socks.

 At least now that Winter is a ‘knocking at our doors’, i’ve been fully prepped, ready in all my armour.  I sometimes wonder when I dont’ know really what to write about on my blog, is that a case of writer’s block or maybe that my fucking fingers are just too frozen to type.  Typer’s block, block of frozen fucking ice.

At least this state of frozen affairs has given me something to mumble about on this crisp, wet and gloomy Monday morning.

Reasons to Welcome Winter:

1. Hot Chocolate and Marshies

2. Gluwein in front of the fire-place

3. Reason to snuggle close up to ur loved one

4. More nights spent indoors consisting of hot passionate sex

5. Excuse to pig out and eat to ur hearts content, not worrying about the extra kilos

6. Have our own set of leg warmers, by not shaving at all.  (ok that’s gross)

7. In the Fashion sense, i prefer to dress minimally, so that’s not one of the welcoming reasons of Winter.

8. No insects, espesh Mozzies!

That’s all for now, coz im starting to get Typer’s Block again……….. Brrrrrrrr

I’m sure most readers out there are familiar with a reality show called Wife Swap, where the wives, mothers of the household get to switch lives for a week to see what its like living another complete opposite life. 

 Well, now they have come up with Boss Swap, which I think is actually a brilliant idea.  It really demonstrates the bosses weaknesses and strengths once they have crossed over to unfamiliar territory.  I feel that a good manager/ boss is very fundamental to having a succesful business with hard working and motivated staff.

Take popular franchises for example, i.e. MacDonalds, Nandos, there are some that offer the best service and then the others that u would rather run a mile from.  I dont blame the staff behind the counters or the cooks, but rather the manager running the show.

Often, I have found that when I have not been satisfied with the level of service, I then lay my complaints with the manager, only to be received by someone who is just plain lazy and stupid.  And that’s what got me thinking, well no wonder the service is where it’s at.

Then you have a Corporate environment with managers who also have no clue in managing or motivating their staff.  Most of the time, they are attending lavish lunches, sitting in boardroom meetings pretending to look interested and offering a few inputs here and there.  The irony of it all, is that there are so many tests a candidate has to pass before getting their foot in the door, but how many managers actually do proper psychometric tests on being a good manager who knows how to motivate etc.  I think it is more based along the lines of how many diplomas and other achievements he/she has.

I think that they should bring a ‘Boss Swap’ to South Africa, so we could all have a good laugh to really see how things are run here.