Life can be hard

Light before darkness

And things you found on the surface
Go under

Friendships to go

Lovers grow older

& People making excuses
of what’s gone mad

U’ll find another way
U don’t have to be alone

Let’s do it together

Rivers run dry
Tears that wont cry

& Pleasures u can count on
Turn to dust

Governments lie
Politicians tire me

and nothing on my t.v. is getting any better

This time will not be the same

I’ll be with you, Let’s do it together.

Only extreme emotions are the
measurement of our life passions
lived and yearned for , gained or lost
times recalled by the stroke of a hand,
a deep sign or a sob that saturates the heart so that it swells,
has sovereignty over the body and threatens to explode.

Anything less will never do.

If love wants you passionately you will recognise it
a single word that says so much more than chemistry
You will find it in the reflection that catches you smiling.

Anything less will never do.

I have seemingly been experiencing frequent bouts of de-javu’s if you can call it that for almost a year and a half now. It started just after the death of one of my close friends. At first I dismissed it as your typical de-ja-vu, but this is something a whole lot different.

I have a memory, an actual memory of something I did lets say a week ago or month ago and the actual experience repeats itself, sounds crazy I know, but this is exactly how it happens. I even before the event starts unfolding itself in front of me, say things out loud that I remember happened and people look at me baffled wondering as to how I knew what was going to happen next. Just as in the movie ‘Groundhog Day, when Bill Murray is sitting in one of the coffee shops busy explaining to Andie McDowell that her cameraman is going to come in the next 10 secs and whisk her away.

At first it was very unsettling and fearful for me, but as time has gone on, I have become quite accustomed to these bouts of feeling like I am part of this funny movie. A psychic I went to see told me that this is in fact a seventh sense of some sort, where I am able to see the future, but in a different way. Me, being the skeptic I am, thought that this was absolute tripe, until a very close friend of the family also being psychic told me the same thing.

She said that all this is just confirmation (messages) that I have this wonderful gift to reach into the future and take out select sections, store the experience in my mind and recall it when the event actually takes place.

It might seem insignificant little pathetic things, that have no relevance to my current situation (like the chimes) but the cosmic world works in baffling ways. What we perceive as being all important and life altering never seems to materialize at that precise moment. As time moves on the important issue we thought it was actually becomes less mind blowing as new issues take their place. Somehow the trivial issues take precedent with the cosmic way of dealing with things. I have never figured that one out and I don’t know anyone who has.

For example: my future experiences are of little “stupid” things, but I would prefer if they were of things like - the lottery numbers. However, maybe the powers that be don’t give me these types of experiences because it may alter my life route so hugely that my path is changed in a different direction.

She also mentioned that nothing gets given to a person for a sinister or dark reason. I can almost see the future but it is “after the fact” so that it can warn me maybe and cushion me from the hurt. I cannot change what is going to happen but my gift makes it easier to cope with, be the future good or a little bad. Like knowing someone is dead before they are, the person is still going to die but I have a little knowledge of it upfront so the shock isn’t as bad for me. Or someone is having a baby, same thing, although its not so much shock as anticipation.

Anyway I have been doing some research into this and have come up with other scientific explanations, which I will unravel at a later stage. For now I am enjoying the notion that I am very unique and hopefully one day can learn to use this “gift” and maybe help others.

I am so disenchanted with the ramifications of this unsettling set of symptoms I am now experiencing on a weekly even daily basis. At first I dismissed it as stress, maybe even anxiety related, but now it just seems to have crept into my life very real and there, where I feel I have no control whatsoever. I feel completely helpless, like a child whose fallen into a well and am shouting from down below, only to hear my own echoes shouting back at me.

Could these symptoms have manifested through my thoughts and fears I have had throughout my life? Have I brought this upon myself? I am just tired of feeling uncertain and would like results for once. It started with me getting a kind of migraine that affects my vision in such a way that I can only see part of some things,not the whole picture. Visual disturbances of some sort, but the migraine is sometimes without pain and sometimes the pain follows after. It lasts around 20 to 30 minutes and then I regain my full vision again. It is rather unsettling though, as I cannot understand what brings this on exactly.

Then recently I have been experiencing dizziness and a feeling of faintness also quite frequently. I eventually decided to go to a GP/Homeopath and she told me that I could very well be suffering from a low blood sugar related illness by the name of Hypoglycemia. We did the necessary blood tests, which came back perfectly normal. The symptoms however persisted to a point where I find myself daily consumed and obsessed with reading all about the ins and outs of hypoglycemia on the net. Then I read that apparently there are two types and the one is basically difficult to detect and that one is called reactive hypoglycemia. So now where does this leave me? Once again in the dark, at the bottom of the well shouting and screaming for air.

Okay maybe I’m being a tad melodramatic, but it’s plain torture when your life is now hampered and limited to only so much to do without being plagued by these debilitating symptoms. I try and find the humor by telling myself that maybe I’m just being a Hypochondriac instead of Hypoglycemic. Doctors are also just so helpful and seem to know so much and I say this with the utmost sarcasm I can fester. Low blood pressure to hypo whatever to blah blah blah. My husband is sitting next to me watching all the upcoming attractions for this valentines and feigning narcolepsy. He’s not much of a romantic, anyway I say this because he could be putting his good energy into helping me diagnose this problem I seem to have. Again the dribel of crap seems to keep running out my head and onto this blog.

All I ask is for straight clear cut answers and I think the only way forward now is to go put that medical aid to good use and go do all the necessary neurological tests. These ocular migraines don’t just come out of nowhere, even though I feel like I’m Alice in Wonderland on some kind of acid trip. Before I put all my readers on a narcolepsy trip, I will now stop feeling sorry for myself and pull myself towards myself.

LOL.

Well another year shoo shoo fly and new beginnings, or old habits which are in desperate need to be kicked right out that front door. As for trying to start the year off with a positive and good attitude, I’m finding it rather difficult to shed some light on South Africa’s interrupting and friggin’ annoying problem. It’s the fact that there is no light/electricity at certain times during the day on a weekly ongoing basis. Load-shedding, whatever excuse Eskom has for this daily interruption is pathetic.

I mean how does a person cope? While I’m heavily into my face-book, loading applications, quizzing away only to be cut off again. Or while watching an all amazing episode of ‘Boston Legal’ and just as it’s getting interesting ‘poof’ off go the lights. I feel like knocking someone ‘lights out’ I tell you. I am almost certain Business owners are fuming and foaming at the mouths at the amount of business lost due to the load of crap Eskom keeps feeding us. Load shedding? more like Load of Crap! Let’s shed a load on Eskom is what I say.

Well hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel will finally emerge and all this ‘third world’ country shit comes to an end. Fuck this year has to be 2000 and Gr8!

It’s been awhile…. a long while since I’ve emerged from all the mayhem and havoc of December and Jan. It’s time to let go and start living again. You never know what challenges life dishes out and you never realize how much strength you have until you have to face and deal with the challenges. It’s all in the game of survival and making the most of our borrowed time here on earth.
Looking back on what I last wrote just shows you how from one point of my life, where I was so happy, looking forward to my bro’s wedding and it being a blast, to getting the saddest, most devastating news the very next day. In the blink of an eye, your life is different. But what I learnt from that experience, is how you deal with the circumstances through a positive perception.

I am still waiting for the photies of ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ so I can post them on my blog for ya all to see.

Anyway, it’s good to be back and I’ll soon keep you all posted on my new and happy life in 2007.

I have been crying my eyes out since yesterday, the shock, disbelief, overwhelming sadness just cannot seem to shake off.  My best friend Hayley passed away on Saturday, leaving two daughters and her life partner behind, as well as her beloved family and friends.

How does someone get over such a tragic loss of such a gentle, loving, soft hearted, always happy person who brought such joy and love into our loves.  For every person that knew Hayley, knew that she touched them in a special and enduring way.

It is so difficult to let go of those you love and I do not even know where the healing begins.  I am devastated and just pray for Mark, Jude, Dakota and Hayley’s family for their loss.  I so sometimes feel the need to pick up the phone and phone her or send her an sms, only to realise I will never be able to do that again.  To hear her cute laugh, wise words of advice, ever so helpful and kind nature, I will miss you Hayles.

You are forever in my heart and in my mind, I will never forget you.  I will keep you close, your spirit will be in all of our memories.

I have Dedicated this to Hayley:

The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesnt interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.  It doesnt interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesnt interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you haved opened to life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own.  If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or remember the limitations of being human.

It doesnt interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.  If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.  I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day and if you can source your life from God’s presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES!”

It doesnt interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.  It doesnt interest me who you are: how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.  It doesnt interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company.’

And with that lastly said, Hayles you have lived your life with the greatest of integrity and for that I admire you greatly.

Love Your B.F. Tashxx

Be careful what you wish for, well that truly rings true for me currently. I left my last job because I was not busy enough and felt my brain was turning into mush. Even though it seemed like quite an exciting job at the time, working for two Private Investigators, it was far from that. I thought I would get to see and hear interesting juicy stuff, like you do on an episode of Cheaters, but it was mainly corporate investigations of fraud, theft and reference checks. In Jo’burg that’s like ’strawberry jam on toast’.

So I left, I had put my C.V. on the internet and gone to a couple of personnel agencies and then I got the call. The interview turned out to be more than successful and I started straight away. I wanted to be busy, damn did I get my wish! I certainly manifested it and now I am not sure I want it. I work for 7 psychologists, seven! Pedantic, painfully analytical therapists who in my opinion have more issues than their patients.

I have my own issues and now I have to deal with others’ as well, and the owner of the centre called me in last week for a quick session to explain to me how they got to choose me for the job. Started off on saying how spiritual she and her partner of the business are and how they believe in manifestations and energies and so forth. Well, I am too all for that, but it just seemed to me like a sales pitch at the time.

She explained how her husband had died from a heart attack two years ago and how the nitty gritties of the business took a bit of a backfall. They then employed a lovely lady who was the backbone of the reception etc. She then found something better and left, and then they employed another lady and another who were just not right for the job. That is when they both decided to write down a list of all the things they were looking for and then closed their eyes or something and the mouse landed on my name.

This is when she explains further that I am there for a purpose and when I feel my buttons are being pushed, I must ask myself the question: ‘What is it that I am here to learn?’

Today was breaking point for me ‘I think’ I realised that maybe my lesson here is to try put up with people’s shit and have a gentle approach to those who need healing. But how does someone who is so broken about so many things get to heal others? Especially when I feel that more than just my buttons are being pushed, it’s more like a fuse has been set to go off. It really is a hectic position working for all seven of them, juggling and multi tasking that I don’t even have time to pick my nose.

I feel more like Cinderella being asked to scrub the floors by her nasty step sisters than Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs who were her friends and guides, if you get my drift.

I now have Cell C to thank for my new found friend with whom I get more lap dances at night than most random guys get at Teazers.  Yes my cell phone contract was upgraded and the special deal was a free laptop from a corporate sales executive which is just a glorified name for a sales person.

Now the better half and I both have sleepless nights glued to our LCD’s never mind the television which is also in the bedroom.  It is great to have a hobby and to be updated on the outside world, however how healthy is it for the relationship I sometimes wonder?

I guess everything should be done in moderation, so as long as we keep it to a bare minimum and rather get our bodies as bare as possible. The only hour long lap dances will be the ones I  perform for the hubby.

‘Whatever is past is past, so do not sit
in judgement upon it.

Whatever is in the future is not here yet,
so do not direct your hopes and longings
towards it.’

HUI HAI
Chinese Ch’an/Zen Master, 720-814