It takes a breakdown to have a real breakthrough. As simple as it may seem, but when you try and do what you say, this is when the real test comes (If you gonna run with wild dogs, don’t piss like a puppy). One person inspired us to keep our word even though all did not want to attend here, we are under the same roof being 100% authentic. You just feel what you want, you just be what you wanna.

To be 100% authentic, not even that, to be real. The first step, acknowledge that this will take work and commitment, learning every detail about myself from different angles, internal and external. Some are good, some are bad, some are big and some are small, but I am grateful to at least know they are there.

Some live their whole lives not knowing, looking at all of those cards laid out (the only commitment I have made to myself is to have passionate fun). Some I like, some I resist, some I want to keep and some I want to get rid of (Keep pushing on, things are gonna get better, it wont take long, keep on moving to the tap)

How I got to look at these cards is by listening to what people see, by people who love and care for me; and to just get here, I have to kill IT. It is almost dead and only locked up, if I kill it, I am killing me. It is backing down, submitting, cowering in the dark. Now I am looking at me and I’m beautiful, with a light shining from my heart, bright white light like the sunrise. And as I am looking at myself, I’m feeling comfortable, a bit uneasy, as this is my first real look, as I look and see.

In Dedication of Hayley Magurno

I need to put myself on the map again, I have deserted my fellow bloggers for almost 3 months now! And in turn, my loyal readers have deserted me.

So much has been going on, life for me is the ever changing kaleidoscope. Full of colours, shapes and forms, textures and all the rest. I have been temping and have met some really fab people from my last assignment. Got to go watch the rugby between the Sharks and the Blou Bulls, a whole team of us drove down by bus. Had an absolute blast! Must upload the pics, had an amazing time, was an experience for me, as I have never gone to watch rugby in an actual stadium, filled with loads of people, the atmosphere infectious.

Having a bit of a break now, think I’ll start gym again and next month I start my course. Make-up artistry here I come. Cant wait.

Im sure you’ve all heard that well known song ‘Where Have all the Cowboys Gone,’ well it got me thinking. Where, oh where have all the Good old fashioned straight forward people gone?

I was having a conversation with my cousin today and we were just chatting in general about people and how straight forward we both are when it comes to showing people our true colours. No pussy footing around, no mind games, just the truth, like it, dont like, fuck it, whateva.

And there are so many people out there who in my opinion play too many mind games, with themselves never u mind. For instance, you make arrangements with someone to go out somewhere or whatever the case, then out of the blue, you either dont hear from that person or the person has some lame excuse. Then out of the blue again, the person that vanished without trace calls with some silly explanation. I call these people the Merlins of Merlins (Merlin, the magician, get it), or the Lone Ranger (referring to one of my friends) that is notoriously known for this.

What do people have to hide, that the simple truth evades them. Not only are they giving themselves a bad name, but they are denying themselves the simple beauty of knowing that they can always be true to others as importantly as to themselves.

And Im not talking about the simple white lies that some of us sometimes make, Im talking about the continual let down on people and wasting other people’s time.

Anyway I’m just feeling very sorry for myself today.

Over and Out.

You despise my presence
on your scathed body
But I refuse to give up on you
I refuse to let you expel me from you presence

You dismiss me time and again,
Yet I refuse to leave without making my existence whole

You constantly put thorns in my path
Which causes me to pause,
To sit down and to pull them out
from my feet - one by one
And I get up and continue on the road of life

And just as I find myself making progress,
Gaining strength
Gaining rhythm
Gaining stability,
-You spread out the huge roots and branches of your trees in my path
And I trip
And I fall
But I get up again
Bruised and battered,
I get up
And I walk on
I may stumble and I may fall
But continue, I will
Your scathed emptiness you offer me
With a scoff and the hope that I will gulp it all up
And choke on it
But I refuse to accept your abuse anymore
I have decided
To stop surviving the grave and distasteful attempts at my life
And to start living!

It’s been awhile…. a long while since I’ve emerged from all the mayhem and havoc of December and Jan. It’s time to let go and start living again. You never know what challenges life dishes out and you never realize how much strength you have until you have to face and deal with the challenges. It’s all in the game of survival and making the most of our borrowed time here on earth.
Looking back on what I last wrote just shows you how from one point of my life, where I was so happy, looking forward to my bro’s wedding and it being a blast, to getting the saddest, most devastating news the very next day. In the blink of an eye, your life is different. But what I learnt from that experience, is how you deal with the circumstances through a positive perception.

I am still waiting for the photies of ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ so I can post them on my blog for ya all to see.

Anyway, it’s good to be back and I’ll soon keep you all posted on my new and happy life in 2007.

Hayley’s memorial was held last Thursday at the Parktown College and in preparation for the memorial, we collated all her favourite music, beautiful photos and poems she had written the week before the accident.

One of the poems she had written was dated 21 November 2006, four days before the car crash.

Upon reading it, I was astounded. It is almost as if she subconsciously knew her time was up. I almost feel uplifted, as I know now she is at peace, she had found herself and was happy and at peace with everything.

‘My soul is surrounded by an angel

The warmth of her wings surrenders me

When I fall into the darkness of my thoughts…

I’m lifted, gifted, loved as I soar

From this barren place…lifted

High into the heaven’s

Drifting with wings we sit perched

Together on natures breath of fresh air… the clouds

A smiling soul, I sit here now

Grateful for the blessing

Nature’s naked face before me

In all its beautiful glory

I love this place…

I love me..

Hayles

I have been crying my eyes out since yesterday, the shock, disbelief, overwhelming sadness just cannot seem to shake off.  My best friend Hayley passed away on Saturday, leaving two daughters and her life partner behind, as well as her beloved family and friends.

How does someone get over such a tragic loss of such a gentle, loving, soft hearted, always happy person who brought such joy and love into our loves.  For every person that knew Hayley, knew that she touched them in a special and enduring way.

It is so difficult to let go of those you love and I do not even know where the healing begins.  I am devastated and just pray for Mark, Jude, Dakota and Hayley’s family for their loss.  I so sometimes feel the need to pick up the phone and phone her or send her an sms, only to realise I will never be able to do that again.  To hear her cute laugh, wise words of advice, ever so helpful and kind nature, I will miss you Hayles.

You are forever in my heart and in my mind, I will never forget you.  I will keep you close, your spirit will be in all of our memories.

I have Dedicated this to Hayley:

The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesnt interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.  It doesnt interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesnt interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you haved opened to life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own.  If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or remember the limitations of being human.

It doesnt interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.  If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.  I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day and if you can source your life from God’s presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES!”

It doesnt interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.  It doesnt interest me who you are: how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.  It doesnt interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company.’

And with that lastly said, Hayles you have lived your life with the greatest of integrity and for that I admire you greatly.

Love Your B.F. Tashxx

So my beautiful, bountiful blog was born November 4th a year ago. Happy 1st Birthday! This weekend was quite an eventful one, Friday ’twas me and the hubby’s 5 year wedding anniversary and we celebrated it by buying a  14  42 inch plasma screen t.v. and going out and painting the town red. Got to Aruba, the usual crew were there, danced the night away, bumped into so many old faces and eventually while hearing the birds chirping knew it was time to head off home after stuffing our faces with deeelicious pizza straight from the 24 hour pizza oven.

Saturday had to attend my future sis-in-law’s bridal shower in Sunnyridge and boy was it a sunny day. My gorgeous sis-in-law was scantily clad in her cute playgirl bunny outfit. After enduring the tediousness of opening pressies and ahing and oohing then the real fun started. The Limo arrived round 8pm and 10 gorgeous ladies, me included of course, all exiguously dressed climbed in. Had champers and sang along to the old 80’s c.d that was left in the c.d. player.

On arriving at Billy The Bum’s to get Elegantly Wasted, I was already on my way. My sis-in-law looked like a real picture from Bridget Jones Diary, it was such a lag. Shooters after shooters were ordered all ready to knock our socks off. Sis-in-law got onto the bar counter and stayed there the rest of the evening, until she eventually hit expiry date round 1am.

Woke up Sunday afternoon with a slight hangover from hell and decided to stay the rest of the day in bed, when hubby dragged me out and about, bought more games for our xbox360, tears for fears c.d. and headed back home. Bliss.

The boys got my boet to go sky diving, which I’m sure was an awesome experience and knowing what an adrenaline junkie he is, I’m sure it wont be his last.

Stayed posted for ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that’s two weeks from now. Can’t wait.

Oi! so I’m back blog readers, i’ve been a busy bee, busy on me, hee hee. Okay enough of the the rhyming shit. It’s been my sixth week since my last chocolate and non-exercise regime. I have been going to gym now for 6 weeks and I am addicted. It is amazing how easily the body adapts and I cannot begin to explain how I don’t think I will ever be able to go without it, it will be like brushing my teeth, combing my hair and playing with my vibe, ha ha.

I have been to a couple of interviews, but like I last said, that I am the one who is now being ever so cautious and selective of the job that I choose. I just have to say that a lot of these agencies as well as employers surely know how to also waste a person’s time.

I get a call two weeks ago from this woman who said she got my c.v. off the net and can I please come and see them, possibly the next day, so I agreed and got the address. The next day she phoned to say that that unfortunately the director was inundated with meetings and we would therefore have to reschedule for another time. Next day, she calls again and says can I make it early in the morning, as in now, so I rush all the way to Riverside by taxi, as Im still without a car, as I arrive we go into this big office where she starts by apologising that the director could not make it as she had to rush off to another meeting.

? Anyway, she continues interviewing me, but seems a bit detached, I ask her what the job description is and she says there is none, as the job’s duties could vary from ordering dog bones to arranging air tickes, from polishing shoes to taking minutes. Well enough was enough, I thanked her for wasting my precious time once again and told her where to stick those dog bones. Have you ever!

Another interview in Lonehill for an attorney, well it was the interview from hell, not because I was interrogated with by hard rendering questions, but because I had to endure an hour and a half of listening to some eccentric attorney talking the entire time about his horses and what cases he has dealt with, the people he fired, what they did to get fired and all he did was in fact just bitch about people. Weird, weird, weird. I could not wait to leave, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I’m far too nice, I should have just stopped him in his tracks from the get go. Sorry, u have issues cheers.

So ja, it’s all been fun and games. I guess I should just wait for this year to come to an end and then begin my random search again. I would love to hear from other people with similar job search situations. Is it me, or this country full of crack pots?

The reason why I have decided to name this particular post Memo is the fact that I am momentarily (MO) finding myself (ME) thus = MEMO. SHit and I havent even smoked any weed.
I quit my job with the seven Psychos, Dopey, Mopey, Grumpy, Slumpy, Moany, Groany and Sleezy, said my goodbyes and I cannot tell you how empowered and free I feel. What was my lesson learnt from this experience? Well I’ll answer that for you, most psychologists develop an interest in psychology and thus practice it, to delve into other people’s problems to run away from their own. They therefore are so fucked up, because they dont possess the time or energy to sort out their own issues.
I have now taken the time to work on ME for a change, started gym, eating healthful foods, reading a lot and just ’standing still’ this time around, to try understand what my real passion in this life is. I am not going to jump into the next job, just for the sake of having one, not this time anyway.

I have finally got a car, second hand Citi Golf and have started driving, so there is some sort of direction going on so far. I love my new sense of freedom and independence, cannot believe it took me this long, but I am a late bloomer.

Today I decided to walk to the gym, just for the heck of it and fell in love with a man who works for the JRA named Sipho, okay for real, I’m talking bullshit! While on my walk, I was harrassed and wolf whistled at by african men who were busy working on the road. Fuck! it grates me, I told them to all fuck off, now if they looked something along the lines of the gardener (Jesse Metcalfe) in Desperate Housewives that Gabrielle (Eva Langoria) has a love affair with, I don’t think I would’ve been that perturbed.

And on that note, I bid you all a good night.

Over and Out.